18 October, 2010

Hard week

This is a hard post to write. Between life and death, family and foe. So here we go. The week started with learning my little man is lactose intolerant. (We have been trying different stuff to see what will help him, but so far we have not found the right stuff. We are heading back to the doctors to see what we can do.) This has caused some extra stress around the house hold. But it got bad on Thursday. With a family that is very rocky at the best of times something happen that rocked the boat, (not between my wife and me) my cousin posted a event on Facebook about supporting pro choice about abortions. (to give a quick history to why I feel strong about this, is because when my wife became pregnant we were told by a few of our family that we have done the wrong thing, which it got to a point that I consider a abortion, which never happened) I posted a comment saying how wrong it is and I feel that it is murder. (in no way is this post to voice my opinion on the matter. I am giving a bit of history) Well this started a argument over facebook which lasted all afternoon. I will admit that I said some wrong things and so did they, but that is no excuse for what I said. This caused a ripple to go through the family. I went away and calmed down and then went straight in and apologised for what I said to my cousin and said that I will not speak about this matter anymore with her and I asked if we could forget about it. Well that didn't go down well.

So my anxiety was quite high and my depression was getting out of control. But I just got on with it. Friday was our wedding anniversary. My mother in-law shouted us a dinner out and then we caught a movie while she looked after my little man. We had a great time. On our return to my mother in-laws house she had a friend over. We all got talking and the argument that I had with my cousin was brought out. My mother in-law and her friend got into about it and told me that what I did was very wrong. I accepted this and was willing to change the subject, but it kept going. It ended with my wife in tears, which made me said that it is time to go. We left and we didn't much sleep that night. I was up early and I looked after my little man. I logged onto Facebook and there was some nasty comments which really hurt. Then it all collapsed. I felt that family was against me. As my wife was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. So all morning I just held my little man close. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for 15 years, (there are times that they don't bother me, but I do have my hard times), because I hit a low I started to feel life was just not worth living. I made a promise to wife before we got married that I would never attempt suicide again, but it was hard to keep that promise. So I just held my little man all morning. I knew that if I held him I would never do anything. I don't know why but I posted as my status on Facebook that death sounds good at the moment. Our phone kept ringing all morning, but when you feel pretty low, the last thing I wanted to do is talk to anyone.

It just got to much and I went into my wife and told her how I was that morning and just couldn't stop crying. Then my mum and sister turned up because of the comment. My mum and sister looked after my little man and sent my wife out to have some lunch and to relax. It really helped. I am better now.

Yep suicide can be a selfish way some may say. How could I even think about killing myself with having a beautiful and great wife and a handsome little man? I don't know why I would. All I can say is, don't commit suicide. Life is worth living. I have been right at the point of no return, but I decided to give life one more try. Give life another chance.

Sorry, I usually like to post only positive things, but I think I needed to get this out.


SAM said...

BM, this is what blogs and anonymous friends are for -- venting :-) It's good you got this off your chest.

Hope it helps to write down a fact: your life is not your own now. You have a family. You have a wife and a son. Your life is about them, for them. Just think about them whenever you get this "life is not worth it" feelings and thoughts. With your wife and son, of course life it is!

And with your mom and sister coming over, it sure seems like your family IS for you, too!

Ah, the rollercoaster of life. Just hold on tight. You'll be fine.

roadtoredemption said...

I enjoy reading your posts. I feel your pain, for I have suffered from a lot of the same stuff you have. It is hard to keep your head above water at times.

Good Luck and thank you for sharing

SAM said...

Hope things are much better now, BM.

Better Man said...

Thanks SAM and roadtoredemption. Things are getting better. I have decided that I will limit the contact with the people who have hurt me. I am not mad at them, I just don't want to get in the same situation again.

My little man and my beautiful are the reason I live. My little man is lactose intolerant, another to the list. So we are trying some new formula and it seems to be working. My wife is a little depressed because she can't breastfeed as it makes him sick. But knowing it is for the best she understands.

Thanks again for your positive comments. Talks soon.

Dayne Gingrich said...

Thanks for stopping by CoachYourMind... you can DEFINITELY pass on the story of the college freshman girl.

People need to read her story!